Alien Masturbation

Do aliens masturbate? I wonder if UFO’s experience pleasure like us? It’s hard to imagine but it may be possible that masturbation to aliens is, well, alien. I saw the new film Paul at the LA Film School in Hollywood. The writers, Nick Frost and Simon Pegg were both present for a Q&A. The Science Fiction comedy starring Seth Rogen addresses issues of homosexuality and religion – yet – only “touches” upon masturbation.

In the film, Simon Pegg’s character warns his new love interest, played by Kristen Wiig, to push aside the tissues surrounding his bed, if she doesn’t want to catch his cold. Another comedic reference to the world’s most popular taboo left unexplored. In many ways, the movie Paul pulls no punches when it comes to sexual taboos. We also learn that on Paul’s planet everyone is bisexual. This is as far as it goes. The viewer is left to wonder if on Paul’s planet it is taboo to masturbate, too.

I did some research. Well, a few cursory searches on Google to be more precise. The only thing I found was a one man band by the name of Alien Masturbation, some spoofy youtube videos, and  a rare neurological disorder called Alien Hand Syndrome.

In 2000, the American Journal of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation contained an article about a seventy-three-year-old male who suffered from Alien Hand Syndrome. This condition also known as AHS is not to be confused with the American Home Shield or The American Headache Society. As the journal explains, this poor wanker had a condition in which he chronically masturbated without knowing it. This would often mean that he would involuntarily and unconsciously masturbate in public (talking about “alienation”). One could only imagine him as the life at the funeral.

Despite the plethora of blogs, articles, books, and videos about aliens, there were zero references to alien masturbation. Are we to assume that Aliens have evolved in such a way that they no longer need pleasure as an incentive? This is almost impossible to imagine.

Aliens must masturbate! The pursuit of pleasure and the desire to reduce suffering keep all living organisms on this planet active. This basic biological drive has got most of us bouncing around like balls in a pinball machine. We stop at nothing to maximize pleasure and to minimize pain.

Some people claim they never masturbate. This is hard to believe as well. There are photos in utero of babies masturbating. Masturbation whether it’s right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy, is very, (dare I say) human. As for aliens (supposing you even believe in them), I have my own theories. What’s yours?

Written by Nicholas Tana.

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