So I was visiting my mom this morning and we were watching the news together, well, to be fair, I turned on Sportscenter, but that’s news too, right? Besides Jon Stewart, it’s probably the only news I get, but I digress.
She was thinking of the news, perhaps, and while I watched the boys on the television debate the football future of the New York Giants, my mom says to me, “Oh with all the radiation and bodies in Japan, and we still have time to talk about this shit! We’re all just jerking off in our hats!”
What?! I asked in amused/disgusted half-embarrassment. What the hell does that even mean?
I knew what it meant from her context, but I had never heard the saying, so I decided to look it up rather than pry for more information from her. You don’t really want to go too in-depth with your mother about these things, do you?
Well, I didn’t find too much honestly. Some possible racism about Arabs was provided by Google for my perusal, but I passed, but I started wondering what other phrases or euphemisms might be out there. I wasn’t properly prepared to be honest.
I didn’t know that some women refer to their masturbation as “jilling off”, but, hey, that makes sense if I’m allowed to “jack off”, and I’m certainly not one to judge considering my years of honing and perfecting the craft.
“Forking the pot roast” was also new, and sounds somewhat uncomfortable. Then there were these:
Morking the Mindy (nanu nanu)
Lighting the lamppost (wick or electric is my question)
Burp the Baby (hide the kids)
Bash the Candle (Ow! Why?)
Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money (Huh?)
Invoking the Oscar-Meyer love spell (Like you’ve never used Catsup for lube!)
Eating grapes with the One-Armed Man (Eating grapes? That’s flexibility, folks)
And then there was this: Rereading the Republican Contract with America
I guess that one’s for those who aren’t into the whole brevity thing, as my friend the Dude would say.
And then for all my nerds out there, there is the ever popular geeky, “Genital Stimulation via Phallengetic Motion. I think that’s from Stephen Hawking, but don’t quote me on that.
There seems to be a lot of pain involved for many of us. Slapping, spanking, choking, beating, pounding, punishing, slamming, squeezing and whipping. I thought we were loving ourselves, but I guess we like the tough love too.
My favorite? Glad you asked. Pip the Pumpkin.
I don’t even know what that means, and to be honest, when I first read it, I thought it said Pimp the Pumpkin. I think I like my version better.
The morale of the story for me is this: Maybe we can find ways to be a kinder, gentler lover to ourselves.
If you’ll excuse me, I believe it’s time for me to unleash my alabaster yak.