Alien Masturbation

Do aliens masturbate? I wonder if UFO’s experience pleasure like us? It’s hard to imagine but it may be possible that masturbation to aliens is, well, alien. I saw the new film Paul at the LA Film School in Hollywood. The writers, Nick Frost and Simon Pegg were both present for a Q&A. The Science Fiction comedy starring Seth Rogen addresses issues of homosexuality and religion – yet – only “touches” upon masturbation.

In the film, Simon Pegg’s character warns his new love interest, played by Kristen Wiig, to push aside the tissues surrounding his bed, if she doesn’t want to catch his cold. Another comedic reference to the world’s most popular taboo left unexplored. In many ways, the movie Paul pulls no punches when it comes to sexual taboos. We also learn that on Paul’s planet everyone is bisexual. This is as far as it goes. The viewer is left to wonder if on Paul’s planet it is taboo to masturbate, too.

I did some research. Well, a few cursory searches on Google to be more precise. The only thing I found was a one man band by the name of Alien Masturbation, some spoofy youtube videos, and  a rare neurological disorder called Alien Hand Syndrome.

In 2000, the American Journal of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation contained an article about a seventy-three-year-old male who suffered from Alien Hand Syndrome. This condition also known as AHS is not to be confused with the American Home Shield or The American Headache Society. As the journal explains, this poor wanker had a condition in which he chronically masturbated without knowing it. This would often mean that he would involuntarily and unconsciously masturbate in public (talking about “alienation”). One could only imagine him as the life at the funeral.

Despite the plethora of blogs, articles, books, and videos about aliens, there were zero references to alien masturbation. Are we to assume that Aliens have evolved in such a way that they no longer need pleasure as an incentive? This is almost impossible to imagine.

Aliens must masturbate! The pursuit of pleasure and the desire to reduce suffering keep all living organisms on this planet active. This basic biological drive has got most of us bouncing around like balls in a pinball machine. We stop at nothing to maximize pleasure and to minimize pain.

Some people claim they never masturbate. This is hard to believe as well. There are photos in utero of babies masturbating. Masturbation whether it’s right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy, is very, (dare I say) human. As for aliens (supposing you even believe in them), I have my own theories. What’s yours?

Written by Nicholas Tana.

Paul Reubens Offers Proof He Wasn’t Masturbating During 1991 Arrest

Paul Reubens has opened up to Playboy about his 1991 arrest and spoke more in depth about it, and why he should have had the charges dropped, than ever before.
After being arrested in an adult movie theater, his attorneys had Reubens plead no contest to avoid a trial.

On why he’s innocent of the 1991 charge that he was masturbating in an adult theatre:
“Had we gone to trial, we had ready an expert from the Masters and Johnson Institute who was going to testify that in 30 years of research on masturbation the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her nondominant hand. I’m right-handed, and the police report said I was jerking off with my left hand. That would have been the end of the case right there, proof it couldn’t have been me.”

‘The Pee-wee Herman Show’ Is Heading to Broadway

The Pee-wee Herman Show, which played a limited engagement at Club Nokia @ L.A. LIVE this past winter, is heading to The Great White Way. Creator-writer-actor Paul Reubens will again play the bow-tied man-child – the role that made him famous.

The production — inspired by earlier stage incarnations and the cult-hit Saturday-morning TV series that overflowed with subversive humor, delighting kids and adults alike — will begin a limited six-week, 48-performance engagement Oct. 26 at the newly christened Stephen Sondheim Theatre. Alex Timbers, who helmed the Los Angeles run, will again direct. The Broadway run was announced on May 20. Tickets go on sale June 1 at Telecharge.com.

The Broadway production, officially opening Nov. 11, will feature original music by Jay Cotton and puppetry by Basil Twist. Scott Sanders produces. Performances will play to Dec. 5.

Based on Reubens’ 1981 stage production, The Pee-wee Herman Show, with new elements from the CBS show “Pee-wee’s Playhouse,” is written by Paul Reubens and Bill Steinkellner, with additional material by John Paragon. Directed by Alex Timbers (Bloody, Bloody Andrew Jackson), The Pee-wee Herman Show will feature music by Jay Cotton and the work of puppetry artist Basil Twist.

The Pee-wee Herman Show, according to production notes, “reunites the one-and-only Pee-wee Herman (Paul Reubens) with many of the original Playhouse cast of characters – including Miss Yvonne, Cowboy Curtis, Pterri the Pterodactyl, Jambi the Genie, and Chairry – for an all new celebration of sophisticated silliness. An eye-popping 90 minutes of subversive humor and childlike wonder, The Pee-wee Herman Show charts a day in the life of our bow-tied hero, one of the most inspired comic personas of our time.”

The complete design team for The Pee-wee Herman Show includes David Korins (scenic design), Ann Closs-Farley (costume design), Jeff Croiter (lighting design), M.L. Dogg (sound design), Jimmy Cuomo (design consultant), Jake Pinholster (projection design) and Ve Neill (make-up design).

The L.A. cast also featured Lynne Marie Stewart as Miss Yvonne; Phil LaMarr as Cowboy Curtis; Jesse Garcia as Sergio, a new character; Josh Meyers as Firefighter; John Moody as Mailman Mike; John Paragon as Jambi; Drew Powell as Bear; Lance Roberts as King of Cartoons; and Lori Alan and Maceo Oliver as voices. The complete Broadway cast will be announced soon.

Andrew Gans, Kenneth Jones, Playbill.com Andrew Gans, Kenneth Jones, playbill.com