Jack and Jill (or “Sometimes My Euphemism Cums Outta Left Field”)

So I was visiting my mom this morning and we were watching the news together, well, to be fair, I turned on Sportscenter, but that’s news too, right?  Besides Jon Stewart, it’s probably the only news I get, but I digress.

She was thinking of the news, perhaps, and while I watched the boys on the television debate the football future of the New York Giants, my mom says to me, “Oh with all the radiation and bodies in Japan, and we still have time to talk about this shit!  We’re all just jerking off in our hats!”

What?!  I asked in amused/disgusted half-embarrassment.  What the hell does that even mean?

I knew what it meant from her context, but I had never heard the saying, so I decided to look it up rather than pry for more information from her.  You don’t really want to go too in-depth with your mother about these things, do you?

Well, I didn’t find too much honestly.  Some possible racism about Arabs was provided by Google for my perusal, but I passed, but I started wondering what other phrases or euphemisms might be out there.  I wasn’t properly prepared to be honest.

I didn’t know that some women refer to their masturbation as “jilling off”, but, hey, that makes sense if I’m allowed to “jack off”, and I’m certainly not one to judge considering my years of honing and perfecting the craft.

“Forking the pot roast” was also new, and sounds somewhat uncomfortable.  Then there were these:

Morking the Mindy (nanu nanu)
Lighting the lamppost (wick or electric is my question)
Burp the Baby (hide the kids)
Bash the Candle (Ow! Why?)
Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money (Huh?)
Invoking the Oscar-Meyer love spell (Like you’ve never used Catsup for lube!)
Eating grapes with the One-Armed Man (Eating grapes? That’s flexibility, folks)

And then there was this:  Rereading the Republican Contract with America

I guess that one’s for those who aren’t into the whole brevity thing, as my friend the Dude would say.

And then for all my nerds out there, there is the ever popular geeky, “Genital Stimulation via Phallengetic Motion.  I think that’s from Stephen Hawking, but don’t quote me on that.

There seems to be a lot of pain involved for many of us.  Slapping, spanking, choking, beating, pounding, punishing, slamming, squeezing and whipping.  I thought we were loving ourselves, but I guess we like the tough love too.

My favorite?  Glad you asked.  Pip the Pumpkin.

I don’t even know what that means, and to be honest, when I first read it, I thought it said Pimp the Pumpkin.  I think I like my version better.

The morale of the story for me is this:  Maybe we can find ways to be a kinder, gentler lover to ourselves.

If you’ll excuse me, I believe it’s time for me to unleash my alabaster yak.


Alien Masturbation

Do aliens masturbate? I wonder if UFO’s experience pleasure like us? It’s hard to imagine but it may be possible that masturbation to aliens is, well, alien. I saw the new film Paul at the LA Film School in Hollywood. The writers, Nick Frost and Simon Pegg were both present for a Q&A. The Science Fiction comedy starring Seth Rogen addresses issues of homosexuality and religion – yet – only “touches” upon masturbation.

In the film, Simon Pegg’s character warns his new love interest, played by Kristen Wiig, to push aside the tissues surrounding his bed, if she doesn’t want to catch his cold. Another comedic reference to the world’s most popular taboo left unexplored. In many ways, the movie Paul pulls no punches when it comes to sexual taboos. We also learn that on Paul’s planet everyone is bisexual. This is as far as it goes. The viewer is left to wonder if on Paul’s planet it is taboo to masturbate, too.

I did some research. Well, a few cursory searches on Google to be more precise. The only thing I found was a one man band by the name of Alien Masturbation, some spoofy youtube videos, and  a rare neurological disorder called Alien Hand Syndrome.

In 2000, the American Journal of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation contained an article about a seventy-three-year-old male who suffered from Alien Hand Syndrome. This condition also known as AHS is not to be confused with the American Home Shield or The American Headache Society. As the journal explains, this poor wanker had a condition in which he chronically masturbated without knowing it. This would often mean that he would involuntarily and unconsciously masturbate in public (talking about “alienation”). One could only imagine him as the life at the funeral.

Despite the plethora of blogs, articles, books, and videos about aliens, there were zero references to alien masturbation. Are we to assume that Aliens have evolved in such a way that they no longer need pleasure as an incentive? This is almost impossible to imagine.

Aliens must masturbate! The pursuit of pleasure and the desire to reduce suffering keep all living organisms on this planet active. This basic biological drive has got most of us bouncing around like balls in a pinball machine. We stop at nothing to maximize pleasure and to minimize pain.

Some people claim they never masturbate. This is hard to believe as well. There are photos in utero of babies masturbating. Masturbation whether it’s right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy, is very, (dare I say) human. As for aliens (supposing you even believe in them), I have my own theories. What’s yours?

Written by Nicholas Tana.